Official Character Profile
100% pure nad-slamming adrenaline

NAME: Crack Busters
REAL NAMES: Robert Wilson
                Alexander D. Saforza

First Appearance: Crack Busters #1 (1986)

Last Appearance: Crack Busters #2 (1986)

Size-12 boot to the stomach, face and/or groin.

Gratuitous flashbacks, ultraviolence, and excessive crime-fighter punning.

A city full of easily pummled crack dealers, emaciated assassins, and the usual shrouded demonic figure found in charge of urban drug cartels.

      Every now and then, a bunch of comic book writers will be sitting around at a pitch meeting, and someone will come up with the brilliant idea of combigning the hard-hitting action of costumed superheroes with the all too frightening reality of drug abuse. Let me take a few short moments and explain why this is a very bad idea.

  1. Only one plot line. In Crack Busters, we've got two heavyset guys who beat the crap out of crack dealers, and that's it. Maybe if they were occasionally allowed to fight genetically enhanced mutants, space vampires, or solve the mystery of old man Cedric's haunted amusement park, the comic might have lasted more than two issues, but no... if it doesn't involve crack and people trying to sell it, they're more useless than Aquaman stuck in the middle of the Mojave Desert.

  2. Drug dealers make boring villains. Frankly, even the brightest dope peddler isn't going to be able to hold a candle to the likes of Cobra Commander, Kingpin or the Riddler. (and those are just the guys without any notable super powers to speak of) While selling drugs to kids is undeniably evil, a crook in a smelly overcoat standing out on a dark street corner just doesn't have the same star potential as someone who knows how to field strip a proton accelerator blindfolded. It's even more pathetic when our heroes can easily take him out of comission with one swift kick to the nutsack. Even if the villlain manages to get the drop on the crime fighters, it's very unlikely that he'll cook up a clever scheme to kill them using his new plutonium-powered quicksand gun, or offer to give away the secret location of his hidden crack warehouse if his enemies can figure out the solution to his latest mind-bending super riddle.

  3. Trapped by the Comics Code.Thanks to the rules of the Comics Code Authority, writers attempting to scare kids away from real life killers, are forced to portray them as bumbling PG-rated pushovers, incapable of doing much of anything except standing around, gloating, and being punched. Since swearing and offensive attire are prohibited, we're stuck with a bunch of bad guys who either look like Bob and Doug McKenzie or bank tellers, depending on whether they remembered to shave and wear a tie. It's also against code to show any scenes that actually depict the methods people use to get high (just in case the readers are tempted to duplicate them), so any shots of junkies trying to inject heroin under their toenails, use suppositories, or asphixiating on their own vomit, must be replaced by scenes of sweaty homeless guys looking like they've got a bit of a hangover. This also means that the only weapon drug lords can use against their enemies are standard handguns-- which we all know are completely useless in a media where a few thousand rounds can be pumped into a single room, and maybe one person will come out of the ordeal with a slight graze to the upper shoulder. What we're left with is a bunch of frustrated pacifists, who can only do real damage to you if it's off camera and only vaguely implied.

  4. Positive message, my ass. Finally, It's hard to teach kids the importance of higher morality and clean living, when your role models are masked vigilantes who have no other hobbies besides kicking in front teeth. When Spider Man triumphs over a super villain, it's almost always because the bad guy's evil scheme backfires, and he's simply too foaming dog insane to call it quits. When the Crack Busters win a fight, it's because they're bigger, tougher, and just pounded a weaker man's ass into the pavement.
"I wouldn't make book on it, maggot!"

   The best advice I can offer any person wishing to protect his/her secret identity, is to NOT go out and purchase a custom-made, form fitted, black and silver PVC body suit, with matching gun holster, and hand-painted chest insignia.
   Putting a paper bag over your head is just as effective (even better, if you cut eye holes into it first) and may improve your street fighting credibility when crooks realize you're both their worst nightmare and ecologically friendly at the same time.
   If you absolutely must get a skin-tight crime fighting uniform, a
t least go buy the damn thing in Mexico. It'll be cheaper for one, and most people will just assume you're filming a porno or moonlighting as a professional wrestler.

   Remember kids. Smoking crack will fry your brain cells and eventually kill you, but smoking cigars just means that you're rich, white, and successful.

I hope you weren't planning on using your lower jaw any time soon, sonny.

   Alexander and Robert are seen here demonstrating their amazing new crime-fighting tool, the Ronco Face Bat. Field tested by members of the LAPD, and operating on the scientific principles of blunt impact trauma, the Face Bat effortlessly renders foes unconscious without the mess and hassle usually associated with drowning or garrote wire.
P.I.S.S.E.R. proudly presents...
Deadly Merchandise

What's it all aboot, eh?

    Don't let me rain on your parade, Robert, but playing Canadian football doesn't instantly qualify you to become leader of an elite commando squad. That's like me declaring myself the new Surgeon General because I once scored a perfect game at Operation™.

Where heroes tread, feeble banter follows...

     All kids come running for the sweet, refreshing taste of crack! Just look at that spring in their step and the gleam in their happy little eyes. Even Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny don't get this much affection.

     Also, how the hell do these heroes keep sneaking up on enemies while wearing skin-tight rubber body suits, when the rest of us can't figure out how to keep corduroy pants from squeaking when we walk.

GOD DAMN! THAT'S A LOT OF CRACK!      Oh inept security guard #3, will you never learn...
     l guess this is where you go when you want to purchase a few tons of cocaine wholesale. It's a good thing they have friendly old Mr. Hooper around to keep the place tidy so the superheroes don't accidentally trip over anything when they decide to mount a surprise attack through the conveniently placed, easy access skylight.
Ha! The power of my  effeminate track suit shall bring the Crack Busters to their knees!!!

I'm sure if kids knew their favorite street drug was being peddled by Orko's gay brother, the popularity of cocaine would plummet overnight.

     Admittedly, the glowing eyes and whimsical execution of your own henchmen are typical signs of arch villaindom, but the dark master just looks like any other skinny 18-year old who dresses up in costume to play Dungeons and Dragons and still lives in his parent's basement.

BACK to the main index   You shouldn't sell drugs if you can't "face" the consequences!