P.I.S.S.E.R. Profile -- Captain Electron

NAMES: Captain Electron
REAL NAME: Unknown
First Appearance: Captain Electron (1986)
Last Appearance: Captain Electron (1986)

SUPER POWERS:
Super-strong and can fly.

Form-fitting spandex really accentuates pecs, abs, package.

Incredible "electronic warning system" can detect disaster anywhere in the known universe and relay the message to him instantaneously... in his pants.

WEAKNESSES:
Potential lawsuit involving Superman and Flash Gordon image rights.

Oblivious to the swooning of hot nubile secretaries, yet spends a disturbing amount of time comparing cathode ray tubes with a short, pointy-eared, talking computer in a bow tie.

Resident of New Jersey.

KNOWN ENEMIES:
Plutonium purloining pedantic psychopaths purporting a propensity for preposterous pantaloons. (Try saying that 5 times fast)

Up to four professional henchmen. Or possibly middle-aged stock brokers. It's kind of hard to tell. None of them actually had guns, but I did see one of them glare disapprovingly over his newspaper once.

ADDITIONAL:
      What's left to say? Captain Electron was a one-shot superhero created to plug the Brick Computer Science Institute in Brick, New Jersey. The writer didn't spend much time delving into his secret identity, super powers, or hidden weaknesses, which is a real shame, since the character would have been far more interesting if we learned early on that he was actually a mild mannered school teacher from Millbrook, genetically enhanced by a group of friendly space aliens, but ironically still allergic to beets.

      What we did discover, was that Captain Electron could fly, smash through walls, and like millions of Americans, owns a pager.

      On another note, you won't believe how accurate the geography is in this comic book. The designers went out of their way to describe the exact location of each and every scene, no matter how trivial. I actually felt like I was in New Jersey. So much so, that I immediately began driving 90mph in residential zones, flipping off truckers, and putting circumflexes on top of all my vowels.

Be warned, If it's set to "vibrate" I may have to stop and pick up a box of tissues first.

CAPTAIN ELECTRON

KNOWLEDGE:	07
MENTAL STABILITY:	09
TACT:	06
TOUGHNESS:	10
VIGILANTISM:	06
DETERMINATION:	09
EFFECTIVENESS:	10
POPULARITY:	08
FASHION SENSE:	04
QUOTABILITY: "Farewell, and good fortune to everyone."	02
SUPER RATING:	71

Word has it, Michael Jackson already has dibs on his bones.

When it comes to creepy mascots guaranteed to make small children cry and parents scratch their head in disbelief, the B.C.S.I. reigns supreme.
What the hell is Mr. Computer? Is he man or machine? Was he born that way, or is his tragic appearance the result of a late night prank involving a TRS-80 and a tube of astroglide gone horribly awry? You may think you have the answers, but the truth could very well drive you insane.

Yeah. So, um... great party. Really enjoyed the canapé and the little imported sausages. Wish I could stay. But, uh.. you know... Disaster. Destruction. Lots of people dying. All part of being the big superhero. Did I tell you I'm practically immortal? No? Well I am. Thanks for the bundt cake by the way. I'd uh.. take some with me, but I don't appear to have any pockets. Hold on, I've got another call coming through. Hmmm.. France. Big explosion. Blood everywhere. Rioting in the streets. Society's collapse imminent? Got it. So, uh... have either of you two seen my fondue pot?

P.I.S.S.E.R. proudly presents...
CAPTAIN ELECTRON in

Thews of Steel

Hmm... my super crotch powers are tingling, what could it mean?

It's times like this that you learn to appreciate the elegant simplicity of the Bat Signal.

Err... sorry 'bout the collapsed ribcage there professor...

Hey. You try getting a regular job when your entire wardrobe consists of pointy-lapelled track suits and ridiculous pantaloons. It was either this or lion taming.

Besides, who in their right mind would want to go to Arby's and buy a double roast-beef sub from someone named Dr. Zongor?

Why do I get the impression that Zongor wasn't paying very close attention when he phoned up the temp agency and asked them to send over a few henchmen for the next week?

They may not be all that intimidating, but at least you know his taxes will be filed correctly this year.

Mighty thews? Someone's been hitting the thesaurus again.

Yeah... and if you don't mind me asking, exactly what were you planning on doing after you locked yourself inside the steel-reinforced safety closet, professor evil genius?

Still, I suppose we shouldn't expect too much from a criminal who spends 3.6 billion dollars on the research and development of a plutonium-powered deathray, but needs to kidnap a community college typing instructor to teach his hired goons how to print from their I-Macs.