P.I.S.S.E.R. Profile -- Smokey Bear

It's fun to taunt animals smaller than us.

NAME:Smokey Bear
REAL NAME: Smokey Bear
First Appearance: Forest Fire (1950)
Last Appearance: The True Story of Smokey Bear (still in print)

SUPER POWERS:
He's a bear.

Ok, he's a hyper-intelligent talking bear who can also read, write, use a shovel, and wear pants.

WEAKNESSES:
Post-Traumatic Stress related to severe psychological trauma sustained as a cub from witnessing tragic death of entire family in fiery woodland holocaust.

KNOWN ENEMIES:
Careless campers, lit cigarettes, and kids with matches.

ADDITIONAL:
Smokey is possibly the most recognizable woodland mascot not designed to sell beer or cigarettes to children. Even though he could quite easily rip potential fire-starters limb from limb then wear their lower intestines as a hat, the unusually placid bear prefers to let kids do his work for him, and spends the majority of his time hanging out topless in park ranger stations or at the California State Fair (see below). In fact, the only real labor anyone has seen him do since the late 50's is nail pictures of himself to trees, and occasionally lean on his shovel. It might not be much, but that's still technically more work than gets accomplished by the average state department of transportation employee.

Smokey says: "Never take SuperCool from web page designers!"

SMOKEY BEAR

Just in case the comic book isn't enough for you, click on the image above to play the official www.smokeybear.com java game. Help Smokey extinguish all the lit matches and barbecue pits someone carelessly left lying about his beautiful forest, or leave him to shuffle about frantically while everything he holds sacred goes up in pillar of all-consuming flame.

P.I.S.S.E.R. proudly presents...
SMOKEY BEAR in

Where There's Smoke,
There's Fire!

Uh-oh! Looks like those poor soldiers will just have to "grin and bear it"!

It's bad enough these soldiers are about to die in a fiery inferno, the last thing they want to hear is a overly dramatic narrator's lame-ass pun.

Left to right: Davey "pretty boy" Smith, Mike "the manhandler" McCormick, Dr. Love, Johnny Palmer, Mrs. Johnny Palmer. Appearing soon at a cabaret near you.

As we all know, baby food addiction is a serious problem among adolescent bears who feel socially isolated from the rest of the den. It's an expensive habit, and one that often leads impressionable cubs into a sordid life of circus frivolity, hillbilly jug bands, or the recording of public service announcements for the U.S. forestry service.

     Tragically, while making a guest appearance on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Smokey caught sight of an improperly lit tiki torch and flew into a murderous rage that resulted in the deaths of two stand-up comics, an accordian player, and three trained poodles.
     Despite a last minute plea for clemency by the Department of Fish and Wildlife, Smokey was found guilty of second-degree manslaughter by an eight-bear jury, and sentenced to death by firing squad.
     His rug is currently on display in the Smithsonian.