REAL NAME: Unknown
First Appearance: Sprocket Man (1978)
Last Appearance: Sprocket Man (current)
Sharpened bike gears tied to wrist with bit of string.
Encyclopedic knowledge of bicycle safety and traffic laws.
instantly locate the five most accident prone people in America and gesture emphatically
while they "Squeeaak," "Blonk," "Yeowps,"
or "Ka-bloom" into things.
Possible obessive-compulsive disorder regarding use of bike lanes and hand signals.
Wooden posts ("brown ones are invisible at night!!")
Ace, the bike thief.
Sprocket Man has lived a rough life. While other heroes get to rescue children from burning orphanages or stop diabolical mandmen from blowing up Hoover Dam, Sprocket Man's greatest challenge appears to be shouting out warnings to polo-shirted simpletons who are about to crash into large, stationary objects because they're too busy bird-watching or juggling tennis rackets to keep an eye on the road.
A mere mortal safety instructor would hand out practical advice like "always ride on the right side of the road," or "don't forget your helmet" and consider his job done. But it takes real nerves of steel to look your target audience straight in the eye and deliver lines like "Practice riding in a straight line every time you get on your bike (it's easier said than done)," and then not want to dig out your own occular cavities when the poor bastard still manages to find an open manhole cover to fall into. Frankly, I've seen bears in the Moscow circus demonstrate better hand-eye coordination when it comes to riding a two-wheeled vehicle, and if you're a fully developed human being in your mid 20's who still hasn't figured this information out for yourself, then you probably deserve to be splattered over the hood of my Datsun 280-Z.
Maybe that explains why Sprocket Man occasionally loses it, and decides to beat the living
of the city's
one and only bike thief. When your chosen profession consists of
helping people so hopeless, they need super powered assistance every time they cross an intersection, sooner or later the futility of your own existance is going to get the better of you. What's the use of constantly warning a guy about riding his bike
directly into oncoming traffic, when he's just going
to go home and mop his kitchen with a mixture of ammonia and bleach, stick a plastic bag over his head, and try to clean
out the toaster with a fork?
SPECIAL BONUS: SPROCKET MAN's FASHION TIP #1
I believe this is what Darwin refered to as "natural selection." If I were that bird, I'd circle back around and take a crap in his eye just to
drive home my own interspecial superiority.
Attention citizens!!! Now the NEW AND IMPROVED Sprocket Man comic book can be downloaded in PDF format! What's so new and improved about it, I hear you ask? Not much, but apparently, someone from the CPSC noticed that no one in the original version ever wore a helmet, so the artist decided to go back and pencil one in for every character. Now the mentally handicapped bird watcher can bike just as dangerously as before, but at least he won't mess up his hair the next time he accidentally takes out three mailboxes and a stop sign chasing after a field sparrow.
SPROCKET MAN in