First off, are you a guy or a girl? I'm all man, baby! I am woman, hear me roar! A little bit of both (best not to ask) We're not from around here... It's 9pm on a Friday night, where are you? In a small cafe, surrounded by close friends. In an all ages coffee house, surrounded by stylish emo kids and one or two punks. In a fashionable pub, with a real stage, sound board, and free beer for the band. 9pm? Ha! We don't go on until 11:30. We'll be there when the beer runs out or we're finished watching TV. Just follow the trail of glitter and glowsticks. Fools! Your open mic night now belongs to us! I don't know. Is there any place still willing to book us? Someone in the crowd heckles you. What do you do? Oh great, why do I always get the guy with tourettes? Shrug and keep playing. Everyone's entitled to their opinion. Smile and wave. It's just your friends expressing their love. Say something cool and witty that gets a good laugh, and calms the heckler. Stop the set and launch into a 10 minute monologue. (that'll show 'em) Say something even more disgusting than what the heckler said, and leave them stumped. Did you say something? We were way too stoned/drunk/loud to notice. It's your big CD release show. How do you dress? Hey, we all wore the same outfit. Isn't that a coincidence? My favorite Ramones T-Shirt and spiked wrist-band. I'm dressed in black, just like always. Something cute and frilly from the vintage clothing store. The strangest thing I could find at the local thrift shop. I made this T-shirt myself... with felt tip. An opera cape, pipe cleaner antenne, and a wig the same color as your real hair. As Shatner, an alien, or Abraham Lincoln. Every show is a CD release show. Sort of. Does it really matter? My pants are coming off after the 5th song anyways. Let me buy you a drink. Thanks, I'll have a glass of red wine. You can't beat a long-neck bottle. Sure, I'll have a pitcher. Shaken, not stirred. Jolt cola and pop rocks. Pfshh.. I've already got my own bottle... of Jack Daniels. Just some water, please. Choose your instrument(s). I have an amazing voice, and I'm not afraid to use it. You cant go wrong with an accoustic guitar. Gimmee an electric guitar. (or two, or three) Damn, that's one sexy bass. This drum set needs more cowbell. Keyboards. Lots of keyboards. Upright bass, cello, and/or violin. Where's my sampler? Where's my phase shifter? Computers, theremin, and/or other bizarre bits of equipment you cobbled together yourself. I'm all about the banjo. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrghhhhh!!!!!! Again... big ass CD release show. Let's make this place look spiffy. How do you decorate? Just a few candles, maybe some incense. A big cardboard cut-out of.... erm..... your guess is as good as mine. A fog machine and some form of disco strobe light. Educational film strips projected on a sheet duct taped to the wall. A home-made banner (also using a sheet duct taped to the wall) Just have someone stand in the back of the room and fiddle with the light switches. Do bras thrown onto the stage count as decorations? Do tequila loogies hawked up on the ceiling count as decorations? Decorations? There's barely enough room on stage as it is! Whoops. Someone broke a string. How do you stall for time? Thank the previous band(s). Talk to someone out in the audience. Tell an amusing anecdote. Tell an amusing anecdote about your balls, sex with dairy products, or favorite venerial disease. Get the little kid to tell an amusing anecdote. Smile, shuffle your feet, and laugh nervously. Finish your drink (or send someone to get you one)